Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
