Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
