i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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