'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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