I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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