Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
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And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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