I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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