trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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