how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
