She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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