I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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