shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
