My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
