I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
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He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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