At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey