did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
