And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
