its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
