John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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