I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
