Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
