alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
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So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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