got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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