I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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