You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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