I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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