So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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