i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
