i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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