no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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