I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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