i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
