my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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