I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
