Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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