i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
