Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize