Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
