So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
