I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
