Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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