I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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