i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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