I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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