mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
