You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
