one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
