I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
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You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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