you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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