I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
