You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize