You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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