if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
only you would photoshop your dick
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
