In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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