when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
