Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
