Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
false alarm. still invincible.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
