Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
