Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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