I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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