from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
