sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
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He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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